A Toast, Jedidiah.

I was just catching up on reading through some friends' blogs, and this post by Sean really struck me.  Take a minute to read it, and then come back.

I'll wait.

As I am dreadfully far behind on blogstalking people, Sean's post is rather old.  According to the rules of internet etiquette I have arbitrarily created for myself, it is well beyond the acceptable time frame for me to leave a comment.

Also, I have no ideas for my own blog today.

Two birds, one stone.

If you knew me personally, you would know that Sean's post describes me almost perfectly.

Almost.

You know that feeling you get when you hear a song or read a book for the first time, and it's so disturbingly familiar it's as if it were written about you?  Do you ever think to yourself, 'That's exactly like me, but I would never think to put it in those words?'  That is the feeling I got and the thought I had when I read Sean's blog.

Let's break it down, shall we?

Sean says, "I can’t imagine being in a relationship because I do everything by myself. Almost literally everything. I sleep by myself, shop by myself, go to movies by myself, go out to eat by myself, watch TV by myself, crack jokes by myself... cook by myself, etc., etc."

Kristen says, "Ditto."

Sean says, "It’s not that I mind doing stuff with other people; it’s simply not part of my routine. And frankly, deviating from my routine annoys me. Hear that, friends? Quit asking me to do things with you. It cuts into my Farscape-watching time, goddammit."

Kristen says, "What's Farscape?  If it takes you more than two words to answer, I won't care anymore."

Sean says, "This is making me sound like a self-centered bastard, and of course I totally am, but really I just don’t know how to have friends. And if I don’t know how to have friends—if the decidedly less onerous responsibilities of sustaining and maintaining a friendship are completely lost on me—how on earth am I going to be able to sustain and maintain a more intimate relationship?"

Kristen says, "Ditto."

Sean says, "When I imagine being in a romantic, committed relationship with someone, my mind simply boggles. The idea of constantly having to check in with someone else, having to coordinate every activity and outing, to sometimes/often do what someone else wants to do instead of what I want to do…"

Kristen says, "Almost."

You see, the truth is that I would rather enjoy having a relationship.  I would enjoy having someone that wanted to know what I was up to, that wanted to include me in their day, that I could make coordinate activities with.  Just so long as I had complete control.

Not in a Dominatrix-y kind of way.

Well....

Okay, I decided.  Definitely not a Dominatrix-y kind of way.

Probably.

There's a scene in Citizen Kane where Jedidiah Leland (Joseph Cotten) accuses Kane of manipulating people's affection for him so he could get exactly what he wanted out of them.  Kane lifts his glass and responds, "A toast, Jedediah, to love on my terms. Those are the only terms anybody ever knows - his own."

That line was another one of those 'this was written about me' moments.

"To love on my terms."

I would love the idea of having a boyfriend, as long as he was around only when I wanted him to be and always when I wanted him to be.  I would love a boyfriend, as long as he acted affectionate when I wanted to be touched and distant when I wanted my space.  I want a boyfriend that tells me how much he needs and appreciates me when I crave an ego boost and leaves me the hell alone the rest of the time.

Also, he should have dark hair and a British accent.

Is that too much to ask for?

Maybe I'm just selfish.  Maybe I'm just immature.  Maybe I'm just living in some kind of fantasy land, perpetuated by all those romantic movies I've seen, where relationships are just two people who fit together like two perfect puzzle pieces without any adjustment from either party.  But at least we know I'm not crazy, because a friend recently told me that although he realized I was highly anti-social, he didn't believe that meant I was mentally ill.

Words of comfort.