Humans Are Awesome

I once had a friend who was dating a guy I didn't like very much.  I tried not to let on how annoying I thought he was.  After all, she was a big girl, a smart girl, and if she wanted to date the douchebag that was her prerogative.  So I never came right out and told her that I thought her boyfriend was a tool.

But I told a few other people.

A lot of people, actually.

Pretty much anyone who would listen.

One day, a few months after she'd started seeing him, she told me that he had instigated a DTR.  He started it off by telling her that if she wanted to date other people he was okay with it, but that he was only going to date her.

I know.

Seriously.

I know.

"Was I supposed to say that I didn't want to date other people?" she asked me.  "Because I didn't say that.  I said he should date other people, too."

"How did he take that?" I asked.

"I don't know.  He kept saying things that didn't make sense.  Things I think he thought were profound or something but they really just weren't applicable.  And I was really tired."

"Weren't applicable?  Like what?  'Hey, you know how the polar ice caps are melting?  Also, I think you're swell'?"

"Almost that random," she said. "Just stuff about humans and stuff."

She gave me a minute to pick myself up off the ground, wipe the tears of mirth from my eyes, and regain my breath before moving on.  Oh, God, please bless that one day I'll be dating a guy who feels it necessary to supplement our deep, meaningful conversations with tidbits like, "You know what's really cool about human beings?  They have thumbs!"

So now this friend of mine has decided that it's high time to end things with this guy who talks about humans and stuff.  And it takes every ounce of self control I have to not say to her, "I told you so!"

Or, rather, "I totally would have told you so except I didn't want to offend you by telling you what a weird loser your boyfriend was, but if I hadn't had such high regard for your feelings I totally would have told you so!"

Maybe next time she'll listen.

What Was I Saying?

My mind tends to wander when I'm leaving voicemails for people.  After talking for a few minutes I'll often realize that I'm not entirely sure what I've been saying or if it even makes sense.  As a result, I'm pretty sure at least 72% of the people I call and leave messages for while at work hear something like this:

I wonder if, when people listen to these voicemails, they can easily recognize the exact moment in time when I realized that I was, in fact, leaving a message.  Usually, as soon as that light bulb clicks on, I hurry up and say something like, "Yeah, so, give me a call please."

I wonder if I've ever interrupted a really cool story I was telling someone's voicemail and they were disappointed and wanted to hear the end.

Comic #2